We first flew with our oldest when she was a few months old, Copenhagen to the US, and we were terrified. She slept most of the way, and we learned the fear was worse than the flight. Since then we have done the transatlantic run many times, plus short hops around Europe and long flights across Asia.

Booking the flight

For babies under two, most airlines let you fly them on your lap for a reduced fee on international routes, or free on many domestic ones. Policies vary, so confirm the details with your airline when you book. We flew our kids as lap infants on their first crossings and bought them seats after that. Our honest opinion. Once a child is close to a year old and squirmy, the seat is worth the money on any flight over four hours.

Seat selection matters more than the price of the seat. We ask for the bulkhead row on long-haul flights, where bassinets usually attach and where you get legroom to bounce a baby. Bassinets have weight and length limits and are usually limited in number, so request one early and confirm the airline's rules; a request is not a guarantee. Aisle seats are easier for getting up with a baby, window seats suit sleeping toddlers who need something to lean on. With two children, we book seats together rather than count on an empty middle seat or a stranger agreeing to swap.

Timing. We book overnight flights when we can, so the sleep pressure is on our side. A mid-morning departure with a nap-time flight is our second choice. Avoid tight connections at all costs. We build in at least two hours, because we would rather sit in a lounge than sprint through a terminal with a stroller and a screaming child.

Airport logistics

Arrive earlier than feels necessary, at least for international flights. Lines with kids move slowly. The buffer is for you, not the airline.

What we do at the airport:

  • Check the stroller at the gate, not at the counter. You need it right up to the door, and gate-checking is standard on most airlines. Use a cheap umbrella stroller so you care less about how it is handled.
  • Do security with a plan. One adult handles bags, laptops and liquids, the other handles kids, shoes and the stroller collapse. Doing it all yourself with two children is how things get left behind.
  • Let the kids burn energy before boarding. Walk the terminal and find the play area. A tired kid boards better than a wired one.
  • Board last if you can. Every minute not strapped into a metal tube is a minute your toddler gets to be a normal human. If you need overhead space, one adult boards early to stow bags and the other boards last with the kids.

The diaper bag

We keep a dedicated bag that never changes, so packing it takes five minutes. Our list:

  • Diapers, one per two hours of travel plus three spares
  • Wipes, two packs, because wipes fix more than diapers
  • A full change of clothes per child, and one shirt for each adult, because spit-up finds you
  • Plastic bags for dirty clothes
  • Snacks, more than you think. Crackers, pouches, whatever your kid actually eats
  • A small first-aid kit with infant pain reliever and a thermometer
  • Pacifiers if you use them, plus a spare
  • Two or three new small toys, never opened before
  • A tablet with downloaded shows as the emergency backup, no guilt

The new-toy trick works. A five-dollar toy they have never seen buys twenty minutes of quiet.

Feeding and sleeping on the plane

We offer a feed, bottle or age-appropriate drink during takeoff and descent; swallowing can help with ear pressure. If your baby is unwell or has an ear problem, ask a clinician about flying. On long flights we feed the kids as soon as boarding is done. A full belly helps them sleep.

Lap infants sleep on you. That is the whole trick, and it is why the window seat parent holds the baby. For toddlers in their own seat, we bring their usual sleep things, a small lovey, a sleep sack if they still use one, and pajamas for overnight flights so their body gets the signal.

Inflatable footrest cushions that turn an economy seat into a flat bed exist and some parents swear by them, but airline rules differ, so check before you buy. We have also accepted bad sleep on planes. Kids bounce back faster than adults.

Surviving the flight with a toddler

A toddler will not sit still for eight hours and you should not try to make them. Our system is rotation. One parent is "on" while the other rests, and we switch every couple of hours. The parent who is on walks the aisle, does snacks, changes diapers and manages tantrums. The parent who is off sleeps, because you will need that sleep at your destination.

Walk the aisles. Walk when the seat-belt sign is off and the crew says the aisle is clear. Screen time rules are suspended on planes in our house. Nobody has ever regretted an extra episode at 30,000 feet. And lower your standards. Nobody cares if your kid eats only crackers.

What we wish we had known

  • The flight is over faster than the worry. Almost every parent says the same thing after landing.
  • Pack for delays, not just for the flight. Snacks and a change of clothes stay in the carry-on even when we check luggage.
  • Tell the flight attendants you have a baby. They are usually the most helpful people on the plane.
  • Jet lag hits kids harder on the first day and then it passes. We keep the first day light, get outside in daylight, and protect the first night's sleep.

For the rest of the trip, see our family travel guide. If you are driving instead, our road trips with kids guide covers the other half of how we travel, and our packing system fills every bag except the diaper bag. When you land, city guides like Bangkok with kids and Singapore with kids pick up from there.